Saturday, October 15, 2011

On again, off again. Conflict about kitties.

When they're good they're very very good.
I was at a conference last week in Pittsburgh. Bob called -- he wants to take Newman back. We had a pretty tense, calm conversation about this. I'm baffled. When I am home in the evening, things are pretty calm and at times very friendly.

Bob is home in the morning, and sees a different side of their relationship. He is witnessing a lot of cat stalking, chasing, and general disharmony, and it's upsetting. I understand this, but I also think he is identifying a little too strongly with RK. It's true that RK is not as comfortable in the house, and that he is being bullied, but it has only been a month.

Bob has a point. I have a point. We don't usually see things so differently, so I'm not sure what to do with this honest difference of opinions where neither of us can find common ground. Neither of us  is wrong, but I am campaigning for more time. 

So what we have is some marital conflict. And I fear for Newman. I wish I could tell him he needs to change! He is a great cat, and he's got four years of cat shelter socializing to overcome. It would kill me to take him back. I don't think I can do it.

More time. I think that will solve everything.


21 comments:

  1. If there have been no serious injuries and no blood, then the conflicts are minor. A real cat fight will produce damage.

    From the picture, it's pretty clear RK is not really intimidated by Newman. They'd never be that close if he were.

    I'd think another month or so would settle things down. And Bob needs to present a more positive attitude towards Newman so he doesn't send negative vibes that make Newman less secure. If he clearly favors RK when he is there, that will add some fuel to the fire.

    I know it will be hard for him, but cats do pick up on our emotions and feelings about them.

    If the two kitties like to play with dangly toys and such, some quality playtime with the two of them together interacting with you and Bob might be good.

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  2. It took us almost two months to achieve a happy situation when we brought Odo, our cat, into the family. Our big obstacle was training Ozzie, our Staffie, to disregard his prey reaction. Two months of having a dog constantly leashed to my waist or the two beasts separated by solid barriers until detente was achieved. Now they're best buddies, so I hope that patience pays off for your situation as well!

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  3. I really hope that you all can reach and accord of sorts. I'd hate to see him have to go also. Hopefully time will be the answer. good luck!

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  4. Is RK being physically harmed, or just irritated? Does he hide constantly? If the stalking intimidates him into completely hiding (which doesn't seem to be the case), then I would consider removing him. Can Bob get him to chase a laser pointer for awhile to wear him out some?? If RK is annoyed rather than actually scared, I think more time/squirt bottle retribution might work. SK, you gotta love a husband who feels so sensitively for his pet (child). What a nice guy.

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  5. Most of my new ones have settled in quickly, but one cat took about four months to settle in. I just made sure they each had safe places to go with lots mote cat hidey-holes than cats, and fed them separately, and it settled.

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  6. Just a thought: have you tried Feliway? It's a pheromone product that can help relax cats in stressful situations. I wonder if it might give your guys the big of chill-out they need to complete their adjustment period (I've used it for that purpose). Or, maybe consider a chat with your vet? We recently put our male cat on a herbal veterinary product for this exact thing (except his aggression was caused by a stray male in the neighbourhood) and had good results - the product was called Anxitane.

    Anyhow, best of luck to you and your feline friends. I hope it all works out...

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  7. Its too bad they aren't getting along 100%.. you sure wouldn't guess it form the picture. That picture's adorable!

    My thoughts on the situation: My cats have never achieved 100% harmony, but they tolerate each other quite nicely... after several years. It took a few YEARS of our original kitty beating on the newcomer (who had to stay... there's no way we were throwing her back out on the street) to realize that she wasn't so bad after all. They've never become the cuddly pals we'd originally hoped for, but they're wonderful gals in their own right.

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  8. It takes 3 months for cats to sort out their issues and establish a pecking order. That's what I was told, at least, and that has been my experience with my two.

    My two still stalk, wrestle, bat, chase and bite each other, but it's all in good fun. No hissing/growling = no worries.

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  9. I think hubby is being a bit dramatic here, IMO. Maybe he just wasn't ready for a second cat?

    If the cats are even occasionally licking each other and getting along, it means peace is possible and probable. And so what if there's a bit of stalking and teasing from Newman? Once RK gets used to it, he'll just do the kitty version of rolling his eyes. The chasing and drama might be play, too. Cats don't have a happy-go-lucky play demeanor like dogs, so a lot of that sinister looking slinking around and springing may actually be more ligththearted than it seems.

    And thanks for the Ri update!!

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  10. More time -give it more time. They'll sort it out; even if its that they mark out territory in the house. Just make sure each one has access to food, water, and litter box. I say this from experience. Years ago when I moved from my apartment to my first house, I found my old female licking water off the shower curtain. Apparently in the new house she wasn't allowed downstairs to the kitchen. So I had to put food and water upstairs for her as well.

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  11. Demanding you make a decision when you're out of town is really passive aggressive and not cool.

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  12. Oh, dear... I'm not a cat person at ALL, so I know nothing about socializing them. I hope you can convince Bob to give them a few more weeks of "getting to know you."

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  13. Allie, I have to say, getting that email while I'm at a conference, was upsetting. It did seem unfair. But he wasn't so much demanding a decision as getting it off his chest. IMHO it could have/should have waited. I was enjoying the conference and seeing that on my Droid was a downer.

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  14. I wonder if some of the reason behind the worsening of the relationship over the weekend is BECAUSE you were out of town. Cats are independent spirits but that doesn't mean they don't miss us or feel stressed when their people are gone.

    IMO, you're still in the settling in phase and will be for awhile. Things will go back and forth some, and the fact that you have the photo evidence of some very sweet moments means things will settle out to be mostly fine with time.

    That said, if you/Bob expect there to never be an altercation, I think you're being unrealistic. I've never had only one cat and there have always been skirmishes now and then, whether it's a new cat or literal littermates who get into disagreements.

    The brother of our two sister cats periodically makes one of the sisters scream. And I do mean scream. At first I thought he was attacking her and I'd come running until one day I discovered that all he was doing was sitting and staring at her. And she was screaming like a banshee. I picked her up and she instantly stopped and started purring. In her case she's a bit of a princess and I suspect she really enjoyed all the attention she got when we came running to "rescue" her.

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  15. If you had human kids that fought occasionally, would you adopt one out?

    Animals have to work things out. A couple of scrapes is normal. You just got this cat ... give it time. This is not NEARLY enough time to settle on an answer. Tell Bob to chill, remove himself from the situation if needed (sometimes, animals get stinky around feed time or when there is competition for human attention).

    And, think of it this way: This is a rescue cat. Giving him back is just as conflicting as letting him stay. Unless RK's actual life is at stake, you have to chill out about a few tussles. Newman's life is at stake as long as he is in the "needs adoption" status.

    I think there are far more solutions than just removing the cat entirely.

    Like to add: I agree with ALLIE!!!

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  16. One month is not nearly enough time- especially if there has been no real aggression ( blood drawn). They clearly have the capacity to get along well. Not wanting to wade into the people issues here, but this does seem to be a human problem, not a cat problem. Give the kitties the time that they need, not the time the humans need.

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  17. One month is not nearly enough time- especially if there has been no real aggression ( blood drawn). They clearly have the capacity to get along well. Not wanting to wade into the people issues here, but this does seem to be a human problem, not a cat problem. Give the kitties the time that they need, not the time the humans need.

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  18. It's just like with kids. If nobody's being seriously hurt, sometimes you just have to let them work it out. I doubt Newman is trying to be mean, he just doesn't have great social skills. Bringing an animal home doesn't guarantee 100% smooth sailing. It just takes time. He doesn't deserve to be sent back. I think that would be very unfair, IMO.

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  19. I think the "Ays" have it for giving the keety a chance. Let's face it: being indoors, there is nothing else to stalk, and in some ways, this is probably the most freedom of choice Newmann has had in a long time, and he's enjoying it. Here's hoping your husband got his angst off his chest and will understand it takes time.

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  20. We have two cats that have lived together for going on two years, and they still don't get along. They give each other a wide berth when walking past, never EVER cuddle, and hiss at each other at mealtimes. Otherwise they just sort of ignore each other. Do I wish they were more friendly toward each other, yes of course! But things are fine the way they are. Newman and RK are definitely making inroads, so more time seems like the best solution.

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  21. The ASPCA has some good problem-solving strategies for cats not getting along. Here is the link: http://www.aspcabehavior.org/articles/93/Aggression-Between-Cats-in-Your-Household.aspx I believe you can also contact the staff behaviorists for assistance. (full disclosure -- I work for the ASPCA, but am not an animal professional. I had a cat who was biting me (hard!!) and an ASPCA behaviorist helped me solved the problem.) I'm guessing time is on your side and hope that there are some simple things you can do to move their relationship along. They seem like terrific cats. Good luck!! (And let me tell you how much I've been enjoying your blog. I am new to horses and am loving the photos you post and your writing up of your experiences.)

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