Thursday, February 24, 2011

RIP to our black kitka, Buddy

Red kitka and Black Kitka on Harv's Saddle Pad, 2010
Buddy, our skittish kitty with a beautiful face and sweet personality, was euthanized Monday.

Bob adopted Buddy before we met, and he was probably around eight or ten years old. Last fall his litter box use became very sporadic, and he lost a substantial amount of weight. We had some tests done. The vet said he was in  renal failure, and the outlook long term was poor. We got special food, new litter boxes, and medication.  He got better for awhile, then worse, then better.

And last week, he got worse again, and Sunday was a really bad day. That night neither of Bob or I slept well, and in the wee hours Bob went downstairs. I could hear him milling around and talking to Buddy.

I went to work on Monday morning, but at about 10am Bob called. He had made the decision. Based on everything we knew of Buddy's condition, his behavior, and the vet's report, it was time to say goodbye. I drove home to help put Buddy in the carrier and take him to the clinic.

 I'm a practical person. It actually seemed doable to drive home, do the grim task, and go back to work. I entered the house at 10:30am, feeling sad but prepared. I had an eye on the clock for my 1:30pm appointment at work, and I focused on the immediate task of getting him into the carrier. This is no small feat for a cat that will not let you pick him up.

We're seldom successful on the first attempt to get him in, and usually one of us ends up needing the first aid kit. This time Buddy offered no resistance as Bob lifted him into the carrier.  He was  terrified, though, and yowling, and our red kitty started yowling too. My heart sank: they both know what is happening. Bob wasn't speaking and he was moving purposefully. I think if he hestitated even a moment he would have lost his resolve. As he drove us to the vet, Bob was quiet. To fill the silence I went over everything we had done for Buddy and the signs of his discomfort/health decline.
Buddy was hard to photograph; when you focused a camera
on him he ran. It was easier to photograph him with Red Kitty.

Because Buddy had gone easily into the carrier, we were forty minutes early for our appointment. We checked in with the receptionist.  Bob glanced down at Buddy's folder on the desk. Then he started asking questions. Could we review Buddy's records? Could there be something we'd overlooked? Were they sure this were no other options? What about antibiotics? He asked if Buddy could live outside. It was a desperate, illogical question and I knew where it was going.

"Bob, he's sick," I said. "He can't be an outside cat."  The receptionist backed me up, and we talked about everything we had tried to keep him healthy, all the meds and the tests and the lifestyle changes. The receptionist reminded Bob, "You've been in here every week for months. You've done everything we said, you've done all you can."

Bob was on the verge of taking Buddy back home, I just knew it. I wanted Bob to be there, for Buddy, but it was not to be. I suggested that he go home and come back later to pick me up. To my surprise, he agreed. The look on his face was awful. He left without a glance at the cat carrier.

The receptionist led me in to a patient room. I took a seat, and she asked me if I wanted to let Buddy out of the carrier.  I said yes. 

Buddy was never a people cat. Sweet and gentle as he was, he very fearful. He would often approach  to be petted, but he only let you touch him a few seconds before running away. Here in this sterile room with the humming lights, I fully expected him to dive under the table and cower. I took a seat by the table. To my surprise, he jumped up next to me. Wide eyed, he curled up at my side against my corduroy pants. I patted him and told him how good he was, and I cried. It was the longest time he'd stayed near me. In about ten minutes, the vet came in. 

Have you been through this process with a pet? It's not so bad. The clinic staff were wonderful. They did their work with kindness and reassurance.  They encouraged me to be near and to hold him, and I was grateful for that. In a strange and scary place I was the only familiar thing, and I hope my presence comforted him.

Afterward I sat with Buddy for a bit, petting him. Then I called Bob and he took me home. I fixed us some coffee, and we sat together on the couch for awhile, neither of us saying much. Then it was time to go  back to work.

Buddy, we miss you very much. 
Fare thee well.


41 comments:

  1. My sympathies to you! This is the part of loving animals that is so hard.

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  2. So sorry for your loss. Animals just don't live long enough even without health issues. RIP Buddy.

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  3. I am so sorry for your lose. I have not yet had to personally take in one of my pets to be euthanized, but I have stood by a many horses at the rescue I volunteer with so they had a comforting hand beside them to cross the rainbow bridge and it is never easy, but you are right, they know when it is their time.

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  4. My heart goes out to you and Bob. I am possibly facing the same diagnosis with my 8 YO RT, Tootsie. She's been in and out of the vet for a week and a half, we can't get her stabilized, has lost about 2 lobs, very weak, won't eat. I'm talking to him this afternoon and if he thinks that seeing a specialist will help, I will try that, but if she is definitely in renal failure, I will have to decide what's best for her. She's young for a little dog, didn't see this coming. But she's a homebody and gets so nervous when at the vets. This part of being a responsible pet owner sucks!

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  5. It's really hard to say goodbye but I'm glad you could be there for Buddy and strong for Bob.

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  6. Beautifully written, my condolences.

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  7. Stacey, I am very sorry for your loss. We lost our beloved Teddy last October to the same condition. He lived with it for nearly a year. We knew, and Teddy knew, when the time came. We miss him, and his adoptive sister also seems to miss him, though she carries as only a princess can do. But she seeks our company all the more than before. We had to do this before, and it is always difficult. My thoughts go out to both of you.

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss too. Sounds like Buddy had a good life. It is never long enough. We lost our springer spaniel,MacDuff, when he was 16.5 yrs old...not long at all.

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  9. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's so hard to make that decision, but it was the right thing and you were there for him.
    Big hug to you today.
    PS - got my bag, LOVE IT!!

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  10. Your post made me cry. I remember our lovely Demelza's last day. She'd had kidney issues for mroe than a year, and twice a day sucutaneous fluid injections, but finally she became unresponsive and we knew we needed to take her to the vet. As we waited for our appointment, our son came by unexpectedly. He had always been her favorite. She roused from her coma to say goodbye to him. We still miss her even 15 years later. I'm really feeling for you now.

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  11. My sympathy on your loss of Buddy. And, yes, I have been through this myself a number of times.

    There is no doubt you did the kindest thing for Buddy and his cuddling with you those last few minutes was clearly his way of letting you know how much he appreciated all you'd ever done for him and what you were doing for him that day.

    Animals know far better than we when it is time to go. You gave him a great gift of freedom. Take comfort in knowing how great your love was at that moment.

    RIP, sweet Buddy.

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  12. Stacey - so sorry for your and Bob's loss. Losing an old friend is so difficult...

    This week my old feline friend was diagnosed with diabetes. It was heart wrenching for me to hear those words. She's 16 yrs old and has been through so much with me. I got her when I lived in New Jersey, she has now moved to Michigan (Detroit then Traverse City) and now she's with me in Lexington, KY. 16 yrs... One day soon, my day to say good bye to her is coming. It'll be so difficult to handle but I am a practical person too and will know when to say when.

    I've only had to put down one other animal and that was my horse Jaguar Hope. He broke his leg so severely that I didn't have a choice in what to do. In a way I am grateful that there was no decision to be made on that horrible day.

    My heartfelt sympathies to you both.

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  13. I'm sorry for your loss. Even when making the right decision, it is never an easy decision.

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  14. Made me cry too. 2 years ago I had to put down my beloved min-pin and it was so hard. She randomly got sick, swelled up mysteriously everywhere-even under her tongue (she couldn't breathe well b/c of it).It was surreal even, I couldn't grasp that she was gone. Non animal people just told me to get over it, but my animals are our family! I am sorry for your loss, I know how heartwrenching it can be,

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  15. Oh my heart goes out to you and Bob. I have had to have three pets put down in the past year and half. It is devastating. But I agree that the way the vets do it now (maybe always, I'm not sure) is very peaceful. It is a great gift to give an animal such a humane passing.
    Godspeed Buddy.

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  16. Unfortunately I can relate to this post. I'm nearing the end time with my dog of thirteen years, Sweetpea.

    There's the logical rational side - you know you're doing the kindest, best thing for your friend. Then there's the emotionally attached aspect - it's so hard to let go. You wonder if you've done everything you can. Worry about what you didn't do... it's so very hard.

    RIP Buddy

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  17. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand both you and your husband's points of view. The very first cat I ever had to have put to sleep - well, I just couldn't be there. Luckily, I had a friend who could (and did) so my Maggie was not alone. Since then I have been at every one (except my Rascal dog who died at the vet's office before I could get there.) There is no right or wrong - just what you are capable of doing.

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  18. I am so sorry. RIP Buddy.

    Your beautifully written post reminded me of my dear kitty, Rascal. My husband drove three hours to be with me at my parents house when we finally had to say goodbye to the Purr-Meister. I didn't realize how much it meant to me until he walked in the door, unannounced. It was a wonderful thing that you did for Bob and Buddy.

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  19. (Delurking briefly) My heart goes out to you. My best friend's cat went into renal failure and had to be euthanized two weeks ago. We stayed with him and cuddled him the whole time. You did the difficult but most loving thing you could do.

    Losing an animal is so hard because you're losing a dear friend and member of your family. God bless you and your kitty Buddy.

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  20. I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, Buddy knew you were looking out for him, and making the decision to end his suffering was a deeply compassionate and loving decision. We have these amazing creatures for such a short time, but they fill the space in our lives threefold.

    Please be sure to give your red kitty lots of extra love and attention right now. It's so bewildering and awful for the pets who are left behind.

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  21. I am so sorry. Your post has made me cry, I waiting to hear what my vet has to say about my Sylvester, she thinks it is renal failure. Results won't be back until Monday, but I know something is wrong and will have to make the decision to let him go eventually. I take comfort in knowing he lived 17 years as a pampered pet.

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  22. So very, very sorry for your loss. Terribly heartbreaking.
    Janie

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  23. I am so sorry. It's such a sad thing to lose a kitty, even when it's time.

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  24. Kathleen said it exactly; "This is the part of loving animals that is so hard". Never an easy decision for us to make, but sometimes it's the only one.
    I'm so sorry [for both of you] to hear about your kitty.

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  25. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm glad Buddy's trip to the Rainbow Bridge was gentle. Soft purrs to you during this sad time.

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  26. What a beautiful post. I feel like I was with you on that ride to the vet's office, with the heavy silences. I guess since I have been there myself I can feel it all. The tears that are coursing down my cheeks now are tears for you, your husband and Buddy, and tears for my pets who have gone on that ride with me. It is a tough part of life. Bless you. The great memories of Buddy will always be there.

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  27. Oh Stacey. I am so sorry. My sympathies to you and Bob.

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  28. I'm so sorry. We went through this twice in one year a couple of years ago when both our 17 year old cats went downhill very close together.

    Like your Bob, my husband took it harder than I did. I think the worst part was that when I started crying, my vet (who has known me since I was little) started crying too! I said this must be the hard part of his job, and he said that no, after seeing his mother suffer with cancer, he feels grateful and honored to be able to keep animals from suffering in the same way.

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  29. Stacey,
    I'm very sorry for your loss. You were indeed brave to be the one who stayed - I'm sure Bob really appreciates your strength and love for him and the kitty! I have been with a number of animals when they were PTS, my own and others when I worked as a tech. With my dog, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, even though I knew it was "right." She knew her mom and day were with her and was not frightened. The other endings were peaceful as well; the animals were released from their pain and just slipped away over the Bridge. My sympathies to you both. It's the hardest part of having animals in our lives, but you did the right thing.

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  30. I think the thing that was hardest is that Buddy was not clearly in a state of advanced decline/suffering. He had lost weight, and seemed fragile, but not in obvious pain. At times he would "crouch" in the middle of the floor which alarmed me greatly. But mostly he slept, and he ate, and he interacted with us in a quiet way. The issue was that he had completely stopped using the litterbox and was urinating everywhere. Bob refused to confine him b/c we both know it would distress Buddy terribly. Our basement smelled/smells strongly of urine from this last few weeks. Bob literally stayed home to take care of "accidents" all weekend, and every night we came home to a series of accidents to clean up.

    My horse vet says better a little too early than a little too late. I feel some guilt about possibly acting too early from the standpoint of Buddy's physical condition, but I have always heard cats hide their pain very well, and that has also been my experience. I knew of someone whose cat got kicked by a horse and she didn't take him to the vet b/c he was in the barn purring. The cat died and she later learned that purring is also a sign of intense pain. It's just so hard...

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  31. We are facing a similar situation and your post has beautifully expressed the loss of a friend.

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  32. We are facing a similar situation and your post beautifully stated what it is like to say goodbye.

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  33. It's heartbreaking to lose a loved one, be it two legs or four. Hope this link helps.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjespGPhoMw

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  34. Please do not feel guilty.

    My kitty had survived well over nine lives when we made the decision to put him to sleep. He developed a bone tumor on his scapula. He too was not showing obvious signs of pain, but we planned the event one week in advance. I moved home for the week to be with him, he ate his favorite foods everyday, and he no longer had to take his aged-cat medications. Our hope was to spare his suffering, which would surely occur with a fast growing tumor.

    Our kind vet put it best: Rascal was too good a cat to let him suffer. He stayed with me so many times when I thought he would pass (illness, asthma, infections, surgery) and, like a true friend, he did not leave without first letting me say good-bye, purring to the last second of his life.

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  35. This is the first time I have visited and as I love cats - among many other animals - I had to read this post - even though I knew I would probably cry.
    I have owned many animals over the years and have had wonderful relationships with most of them. It is always hard to have to make this decision and it cannot be done lightly. But I feel it is my responsibility to do all that I can, but when that is done, to take the responsibility to release them. For me, it is an act of love and gratitude for all our relationship has given me, and I slowly find some solace in remembering those good thing with pleasure.

    Who of us would not wish that to be a legacy they leave in those they love that they be remembered with love and joy?

    May you both have many more fulfilling and happy relationships with both humans and animals.

    Barb

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  36. Your post has me in tears. It is so hard to put a pet down. Our kitty - Mocha - died two years ago, of the same thing. It's tough. Real tough. Mocha and Buddy are now playing together at the Rainbow Bridge.

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  37. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried reading this. I'm glad you were able to stay with him at the end. *hugs* RIP, pretty man.

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  38. Sorry for your loss. It's a very hard thing to put your pet to sleep, even when you know that they are suffering.

    We euthanized our 20 year old cat a few months ago because she was obviously failing. I was very glad that our vet comes to our house -- it made it more peaceful for her and although I knew she was ready, it was hard to let her go.

    It sounds as though Buddy was well loved.

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  39. Our 16 year old ridgeback has been incontinent, mostly blind, mostly deaf and very arthritic for over a year. He still loved his walk, even though it got shorter each week, his cookies and having his ears scratched. We have gone back and forth for months about whether it was time yet, hoping he would pass on his own. I kept mopping the floors and bathing him, convinced he would let me know when.
    This past Monday, he let me know. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but we were all there with him, at home. I have got to believe your vet's wise words- Ollie could have gone on, but he was tired, and deserved to rest and be released from any pain. But my god, it hurts.

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  40. I'm so sorry to hear about Buddy. I lost my kitty of 18 years in 2007, and I understand how hard this has to be. My thoughts are with you.

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