Saturday, June 30, 2012

Gladstone epiphany: Hotbed of hotties

Loud, plaid pants -- that's all they are.
I know we've all seen them in tack shops -- racks of plaid, high-waisted breeches, often on sale racks in impossible sizes like 22L. "Of course they are marked down," I thought, "because there are no viable wearers of said pantalons."

I personally know of no one who can actually pull off the VW seatcover plaids with contrasting butt-patch to further highlight any bag or sag. Till recently, I assumed these breeches were the equestrian version of the fashion avant garde/haute couture --  designed with a sense of whimsy and the fantastical, without any wearer, or actual sales, in mind. Companies make them just to show that they can -- right?  Because no one could actually wear them, and no one is a size 22L. Right?

Au contraire. I had forgotten about...

The Young Riders
At Gladstone during the selection trials,  there were young riders on the premises getting ready for their day. For the first time, I saw loud plaid breeches being worn "in the wild."  As if I'd stumbled on a new species in the Galapagos, I was transfixed. How can this be? But no, such figures do exist, and not only that, they're everywhere you look. Travelling in groups,  eating a sandwich (life is NOT FAIR), riding a horse--scads of  impossibly thin, pretty, pony-tailed young women, all sporting loud, ugly plaids and looking GREAT.


  1. While I'm no 22L (and even as a teen/young rider would have been more like a 26S at my thinnest and most underweight - just not the lean and long body type!) I find plaid with contrasting seat very flattering! I'm quite a bit thinner now than when this was taken a year and a half ago, but my legs look thinner than they would in any photo in "normal" breeches now. The black blends with the saddle - so my thighs look far thinner there, duck butt position and all!
    I think the greater coverage of the seat also is flattering - instead of looking like a giant balloon below the hips with lumps and bumps, the seat actually seems to slim slightly but add a flattering type of roundness - and the plaid hides any areas which would not be as smooth in a no pattern breech. As the owner of a large horseshoe shaped groove in my thigh I appreciate that, and I can definitely see it in photos of me in solid breeches, even thick ones. I also like ribbed type breeches (and have some in summer weight) for the same reason.

  2. Depressing, isn't it?

    My current batch of full seats, purchased a full dozen years ago, are 30L and lemme tell ya, we've got serious Spandex fatigue going on. My thighs look like Smithfield hams covered in seersucker because the cellulite is SO bad (and the Spandex is SO OLD) that compression to give the illusioni of a smooth surface is out of the question. I have come to loathe the "tucked in" polo shirt in fullseats, worn with a belt, too. Not only is there the "plumped up Ballpark Frank look--this being ABOVE the Smithfield thighs described above--but there is the additional detraction of the lumpy shirt tail. (Think panty lines times 10).

    It just ain't fair.

  3. Very funny post - I enjoyed it.

  4. Yeah; well, the lady who just bought the horse I was leasing is older than me (I'm 50) and would look GREAT in those breeches.

  5. LOL at pantalons and Galapagos! :)

  6. I have been lusting after breeches like those for 2 years...I just can't find any in our local tack stores to try on to see how they fit. I wear 26L and want a pair! And from watching videos of you, I think you would look great in them :)

  7. ha! And they are able to eat a sandwich while wearing these skinny pants. Yes, life isn't fair. :) Very funny.

  8. My 17 yo daughter is 6'3" and 135 lbs, I take comfort in knowing that she has my gens and will eventually gain weight, About age 35.

  9. Hey! I'm a 28L and don't think I look too bad in my plaid breeches. ;)
    Mine aren't terribly loud, but I wouldn't be averse to some louder pairs if I could find some that fit in w/ my colours.

  10. Skye -- great picture, it could be on the cover of a magazine! You're a member of the 1% or so who can wear'em :-)


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